Shell shocked
by betweenthetwo
Summary: Hermione learns that love and loss can redefine words, and that her emotions do not obey her own rules.


****

Shell-shocked.

Rating: G

Summary: Hermione learns that love and loss can redefine words, and that her emotions do not obey her own rules.

Disclaimer: All things from the Harry Potter world belong to JK Rowling.

* * *

Shell-shocked.

That is how Harry described his feelings when he found Ginny in the arms of Seamus Finnegan, just days after they announced their engagement. At the time Hermione had wondered at the use of such a term. Of course it was terrible, outrageous, that Ginny had been so flighty, and had broken the heart of The Boy Who Lived so crushingly. Her disregard for his feelings had been dreadful, Harry's despair had been palpable.

But shell-shocked? No, Hermione could not condone the use of the term.

It was a term used for soldiers who returned from war haunted by images of amputated legs, and flying limbs. It was a term for people who lost speech, lost sense in despair. People who could not be saved. It was devastation in its purest form. It was for grand events, for people ripped apart by pain, for countries ravaged by famine and war. It was not a term applicable to a situation that was- albeit unfortunately- solely emotional. Solely sentimental.

Now, Hermione could finally apply the term to an entirely emotional situation.

Severus Snape was dead.

I seemed impossible. He was invincible… he had thwarted Voldemort a thousand times, he had lived a double life through two wars and survived. He had lied to the face of the Dark Lord. He had saved Muggles from Voldemort's clutches. He had fought and killed Lucius Malfoy. He had survived countless battles. He had lived through the great war.

Dead.

Hermione could not fathom the possibility. Hogwarts had been the stalwart of her childhood. Its halls, its students, its staff… each one had been an integral part in forming her mind, her beliefs, and herself. Snape had been one of the most influential… his biting comments, his bitter sarcasm inspiring her to work harder than she thought possible, to further herself to her best ability. In her schooldays he had been her least favourite staff member, but her most inspirational teacher. In adult life, he had been a friend.

Killed, by an exploding cauldron.

Fitting, in its own way, she supposed. He had dedicated his life to the art of potions, the subtle science, and had died by it. His pride had never allowed him acknowledge the irreversible damage done to his eyesight in the final battle, and it had been that damage that had led to the accident.

She couldn't believe it, couldn't deal with it. They had lost teachers, lost friends, family in the war. Albus, Minerva, Bill and Percy, Fleur, Dean, Luna, Neville… countless deaths, countless tears shed.

But there was something different about this. Something inexplicable that left her feeling decidedly…

Shell-shocked.

She could never tell Ron, or Harry. When Remus had told them, Harry had said nothing, but had not attended the funeral. Ron had looked decidedly _pleased_ at the irony of the situation. Hermione had been to stunned to be embarrassed- infuriated- by her husbands response. Snape had never liked Gryffindors. He had taken House points from Harry simply for being alive. But Snape had been one of them, Snape had sacrificed more for the Order than most of them. Snape had saved them all countless times.

And Snape had, Severus had, saved Hermione. He had lifted her from despair, and he had shown her there was a reason to keep fighting after her parents had been murdered. He had seen her pain, he had understood her lack of direction, her hopelessness, and despite his better judgement he had reached out. To _her_. A Gryffindor. Ron Weasley's wife. Harry Potter's closest friend. Hermione Granger, the insufferable know-it-all. He had gone against his own nature and consoled her, when Ron and Harry couldn't even understand the pain she was in. He had redeemed the world for her. And how was he repaid? By her husbands barely concealed happiness at news of his death? By her own futile tears at his poorly attended funeral? By this realisation of his worth, his value, too late, far _far _too late.

She felt she would collapse with sorrow, with guilt, with regret, with the _sheer injustice _of it all. It was a month since his death, since his funeral. No one mentioned him any more. No one wept, no one fondly remembered his black robes, his elegant gait, his piercing eyes. No one felt his absence so keenly they thought their world might implode if they couldn't hear his velvet voice just once more.

Except Hermione.

Gods it was so unfair. Her life had been rendered a lie. She was married to a man she couldn't even look at without seeing the glee, the _triumph_ in his eyes that Snape, the overgrown bat, was finally gone. She was repulsed by her own husband, and she knew she had no right to be. Ron had not known Severus as she had. Ron had seen only his bitterness, his cruelty, his dark exterior. By his nature Ron took people at face value. His world was black and white. You were good, or you were evil. Snape might have been an Order member, but he had once been a Death Eater. Once tainted, always tainted. Ron did not believe in redemption. He could not, not after Bill and Percy. But knowing this, understanding this, Hermione could not stand it still. Surely he must have seen the tears his wife shed? Surely he must have noticed her fondness for the dark Potions Master with the silken voice?

Hermione did not understand that Ron had noticed. Ron had seen her face light up when he arrived at Order meetings. He had seen her read potions texts to him after he had partially lost his sight. He had seen her gentle touch to his hand when he was getting to bitter. Most of all he had seen the blatant love Severus Snape felt for his wife, and Ron had wished him dead when he had realised that while she was blind to it, Hermione felt the same. Hearing that he had been killed in a Potions accident had been a blessing rather than a tragedy for Ron Weasley. He loved his wife more than she could ever understand and the thought that she might one day leave him had terrified him. With Snape out of the picture, Ron felt safe.

Hermione was oblivious to all of this, just as she had been oblivious to Severus' affections. Her own feelings had remained a mystery until after his death. Now, in the horribly revealing glow of retrospect she could see her own affection for the man all to clearly. She had loved him. It was a different love to that she felt for Ron, but it was just as real, perhaps more so. It wasn't built on shared experiences, but on shared intellect. Not on familiarity and fondness, but on the volatility of their interactions and on a simple desire to be with him as often as she could. She could now see through her own behaviour, could recognise that her frequent trips to visit Hogwarts had been engineered purely to see him. That she had developed a heightened interest in the Potions journals she knew published many of his papers. That she had sat near the door at every Order meeting so that her eyes would be the first to meet his when he arrived.

All this she could see now, now that he was dead.

And retrospect allowed her understand how the words "shell-shocked" were in fact particularly applicable to emotional loss. Because now that she finally understood love, she could see that to lose someone like she had lost Severus, was more painful than any wound inflicted by war.

She was without direction once more, hopeless and quietly despairing, and descending into madness in her own home. No one could see, no one saw past her usual businesslike façade.

Severus Snape could not save her now.

He was dead.

She was shell-shocked.


End file.
